Fawkes' Journal

this may be my last entry. so much happens in my life on a daily, hell an hourly basis, that there's no way i could ever sum even part of it up. :) not to mention the fact, that i've been keeping pretty private lately, for the past couple of years, for several reasons, not the leat of which being, i f've found few people have been supportive of anything that i do. although that doesn't include anyone who reads these entries, i feel it's just a good general rule to keep things to myself. suffice it to say, for the most part, all is well. some things are better than others, but c'est la vie. :)

i'm sure i'll see you all on Facebook, which is where i seem to spend most of my time now, whenever i'm not talking on the phone to my love. :) have a good one and thanks for reading my blogs. bfn! xxx...

briefly touching base
as Chats reminded me, it has been a helluva long time since i made an entry and i can see by the date of my last one, she is right, as usual. :) so, here i am, making a long overdue entry, albeit brief, cuz i'm kinda pooped and can't really stay up too late tonight...took my sleeping meds around 11:30, so they should be kicking in any moment now.

what can i say? all the people who read this just saw/talked to me this past weekend, so i guess i'll just say it's kinda weired being back in my routine again. i'm a little out of step tho, so hopefully tomorrow, once i'm back at the gym, all will slide back into place for me and i can shake this feeling that i'm living someone else's truly shitty life. i can hope. :)

why it's shitty doesn't really matter, but even if it did, i can't really put my finger on it. as usual, it's a bunch of little things that have quickly gotten together to gang up on me you know? when i got home last night my computer made a horrible sound like a motor that was going into overdrive and for a while, i couldn't access the internet. according to Shaw, it sounds like i have a hardware prob that needs to be fixed at some point, if it happens again anyway. yay, more money to spend. :( then, there's the fact that even tho i spent the weekend in a house with a cat, a very cool one btw, i didn't sneeze all weekend, but within half an hour of being at home, i had a huge sneezing fit, then another one today. am i allergic to my own apartment or what? sigh. then, there's just a general sense of malaise/anxiety about what i'm going to do with the rest of my life, what the hell is going on with my health etc. too bad i got the days mixed up for my appointments...i could have really used a good chat with my shrink. sigh. oh well, at least i got to have my voice lesson with Ron today...he's so sweet...too bad he's not straight...damn, i'm running hot again...thought my sex drive was gone forever! guess not. :) but i digress. the point is, taking a break ffom the harsh reality of my life was fabulous and it semi sucks to face it again. but face it i will cuz there's nothing else to do. c'est la vie. :)

to end things on a funny note, i got to watch the Bugs Bunny and Tweety show tonight on the cartoon network and couldn't stop laughing at Sylvester's race to escape Pepe le Pew's horny advances...silly cat painted a stripe down his own back to scare off the dogs that were protecting Tweety...worked like a charm, but the show ended with him in the infamous skunk's loving embrace. let that be a lesson to us all...sometimes what we want just ain't worth the trouble...or maybe the lesson is more literal than that...watch out for horny skunks! have a good sleep everyone! i love you all and i'll do my best to stay in closer contact. great to see you all this weekend. be safe my lovelies and blessed be! xxx... :)

Current Mood: all of the above :)
Current Music: zzzz...

i just don't understand why my life can't be drama free and stress light...it'd be nice if it was. hell, i kinda need it to be that way, never mind nice if it was. i just don't know how much more i can take.

never mind the fact that i've been given percosette by my doc to try to get these hideous headaches under some kind of control while i wait for my MRI on feb 23 to either show my docs and i that the ct scan was wrong, or that i'm fatally ill. add to that, the nausea, dizziness and constant exhaustion, the last of which is worsened by the percosette which makes me drowsy and i can therefore only take at night. then, there's the fact that after talking to my husband on the phone on sun night - i finally caved and called him - i realized that i must leave him, or completely lose what's left of my self-respect and sanity. don't feel like going into all the reasons for this decision...suffice it to say that i finally realized that shan and chats are right...johnny doesn't know what he wants, which wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that while he's trying to figure it out, he's on a very dangerous self-destructive course that'll likely hurt me but not him. i realized that last part as i listened to him rant and rave and talk about how pissed he was about his job not sending him his bonus cheque and then go on to say that he's thinking about using the heroin he bought, to sell, cuz he needed to calm down. i quietly told him that that was entirely up to him and then felt even sadder as he told me that if it wasn't for all the skiing he got to do while in BC and "fucking a 21yr old bartender's pussy sore" he'd be even more stressed out. i don't care that he screwed around. hell, i expect it from him. but i know that he didn't bother to use a condom any of those times as i told him, to which he just laughed and said, "who cares, i didn't know the bitch, don't care about her and am never going to see her again, who cares how she feels." Confused by this response? Yeah, so was i. Clearly, he missed the point completely, but considering the mood he was in that night, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that he didn’t make any sense. Anyway, after a little more of his ranting, he finally told me that he was tired, had just gotten back into town and wanted to go for a walk to try to calm down. We hung up and I had a good cry, then took a long walk myself. I thought about all of the stuff we’ve been through, especially how much he’s put me through, the things he’d said to me on the phone that night, the way he seems to have no respect for me at all, tho he claims to love me, having said that he hoped I wasn’t upset about the bartender chick cuz “she meant nothing to him and I mean everything.” By the time I got home from the drugstore with my prescription of heavy duty painkillers, I had it in my head that no matter how hard it was going to be, I was leaving johnny. with this thought in mind, I took my pills and went to bed very early that night.

The next morning, I got up around 7:30, had breakfast and went to the gym. I had a pretty good workout, tho hurt my hands a bit while kickboxing cuz I felt the need to thrash the punching bag and kinda lost my technique in the venting process. Before I left, I checked my home voicemail and was stunned to hear a message from johnny. he sounded kind of out of it and I remember feeling resentful, assuming that he’d gone out to the bar the night before, gotten wasted, then had the balls to call me while still drunk, even tho I’ve asked him not to contact me at all while he’s drinking. When I got home, I called him and was shocked to hear him say that he wasn’t doing very well at all cuz he’d been stabbed the night before. My mind reeled as I listened to him tell me about how he went out to the dockside bar where we met months ago to have a beer and shoot some pool and then while he was standing outside having a cigarette, some guy drove up in a blue van and asked him if he knew where to buy some crack. Being johnny, he of course mouthed off to the guy about how crack heads are losers and before he knew what was happening, the guy leapt out of the van and started slashing at him with a knife. Johnny managed to sidestep him the first time, but got slashed very deeply across his back a few times. The guy took off and johnny staggered back into the bar and told them to call an ambulance. He was rushed to the u of a hospital and had emergency surgery performed on him that night. He can’t recall if they released him the next day, only that they gave him back his clothes and he staggered out, called a cab and went back to his apartment. Since then, I’ve talked to him twice and both times, he’s insisted that he doesn’t need me to bring him anything and doesn’t want me to come over cuz he’s only able to lie there and drift in and out of sleep. I can’t tell you how much this whole thing bothers me. Man, is that even the right word? I feel so helpless and powerless, yet torn about whether or not I should do anything. I mean, technically this doesn’t change anything. He’s still really bad for me and all of the reasons I’ve contemplated for leaving him still stand, but there’s a part of me, a big part of me, who loves him more than ever in spite of all of this and wants to be there with him and for him. But I’m also pissed off at him too for so many reasons. My head hurts endlessly, presumably with the added stress and I just don’t know what the hell to do about any of this. I mean, there’s really nothing I can do, since he won’t let me and I know I’m not going to leave him while he’s hurt, but I just can’t shake what eerie timing this injury has. It’s almost like Fate or whoever is trying to tell me that I shouldn’t/can’t leave him, or that I definitely should. I’ve been so confused and upset that I’ve pretty much decided just to keep to myself, to “disappear” as I said on my status update on facebook and to that end, I haven’t gone to karaoke since fri and I’m doing my best just to rest and not think at all. Obviously, it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I’m still thinking/hurting way too much. I finally agreed to go out to lunch with my opera instructor/dear friend Ron yesterday and he told me that he thinks I’ve “moved past johnny” and that it’s time for me to look after myself and let him go his own way and do his own thing. I guess he’s right. After all, for the past month or so, I’ve felt more like his counsellor than his wife. It’s just that it’s not my style to cut and run out on anybody,f but I no longer have the energy to give him and that’s what it comes down to. Had I the energy and were I at full strength with my health etc, I might consider staying, even tho I have no intention of remaining his lover – I’m not going to play russian roulette with sex anymore, even if he chooses to. But I’m not well and I know this. My energy level drops faster every day and it’s taking all of my energy just to get out of bed sometimes, never mind keep devoting myself to johnny. I just wish I could stop thinking/worrying about him and loving him. It’d make things a lot easier for me, selfish as that sounds. I just don’t know why he bothered to tell me about all of this if he was just going to shut me out this way. There must be something I can do to help him as a friend, but everytime I suggest it, he just assumes I’m talking about sex and he says that he can’t do anything but lie there. Very frustrating. People can laugh all they want, but hard as this has sometimes been and likely will still be, I’m grateful that I fell in love with him and that we’ve had this time together. But I know that this is the last man I’ll ever get involved with, cuz that’s how it must be. No more one night stands, as he was supposed to be, no more dreaming of having love in my life. Well, yeah I can still dream, but that’s it. I’ll do my best to see johnny through this, then I’ll walk away. Funnily enough, I get the feeling he’s been trying to find a way to tell me it’s over too, but hasn’t gotten around to it for whatever reason. Regardless, much as I love johnny and likely always will, it’s over and it’s time for me to hermit up for a while. Thanks for listening dear readers, if you did. i'll let you know when i'm able to socialize again, or when i know anything more about my latest health prob. phoenix

Current Mood: exhausted

gotta vent...
whether anyone else reads this or not, i really feel the need to vent, tho i PLAN to keep it as brief as possible. besides, my pizza's on the way here. thank you Chtats & Shan for introducing me to Chicago Deep Dish! :)

first, i think i'm out of the contest now and have mixed feelings about it if i am. i likely won't know for sure until i go back next week, cuz i haven't heard from chrystal, the owner of the bar, one way or the other. i had to leave early last night cuz i got so tired i couldn't stand up and my head was starting to pound in time with the music. by the time i got home, i was bawling my eyes out and shaking like a leaf from the cold i felt inside - it was actually nice outside last night - i just get so cold sometimes and don't know why. i called and spoke to my doctor today who has decided to put me on percisette for those excruciating headaches in the hopes that they'll help until we get the results from my MRI which is scheduled for feb 23 @ 8am. last night, i took 2 extra strength tylenol and my sleeping pill and fell asleep almost immediately. don't know why, but sometimes crying helps with the pain, at least in my eyes. maybe i'm venting some kind of pressure by doing that, who knows.

i went to the gym today for the first time since i was so sick with that flu and had a pretty good workout, tho it was modified cuz i didn't want to overdo it after being away from the weights for so long. i now feel tired, but pretty good. while i worked out, i thought a lot about my situation with johnny and have made a decision. i mused that it's possible that all the nightmares i've had about johnny in the past ocuple of weeks may have been prophetic. i can't say for sure that he's a good guy or not. only that he's a man i can't allow myself to be in love with anymore. to that end, i have decided not to contact him anymore and haven't since mon when i was so hurt to hear how happy he was without me around. don't get me wrong, i want him to have fun wherever he is. but i also want him to have fun when he's with me and if i'm really honest with myself, maybe brutally so, i'd have to admit that the last couple of months haven't been so great with him. he just seems distracted and tense, like he not only doesn't really want to be with me, but really isn't. so, it's time for me to let him go. i feel like all i've done since i met him is throw myself at him and if it wasn't for him asking me to marry him and then telling me when he was sober that he meant every word he said, i would think that this whole "relationship"/"marriage" had been my doing, and that he just went along with it to either be nice, or cuz he enjoyed watching me make a fool of myself. regardless which it is, or how this turns out, i'm very grateful that i was able to fall in love with him and that he did tell me he loved me and asked me to marry him as i've always dreamed some man would. now i can go back to being celibate, single and yes, sometimes lonely, but mostly grateful that he was in my life and brought to it all that he did. right now, my heart is breaking, but it's broken before and i've survived - who knows if it ever fully healed, but i've got the rest of my life to let it now. and speaking of now...my pizza got here within 40mins, so for the first time in a long time, i actually gave the guy a tip! not bad, considering how cheap i am. :) the lady i talked to when i ordered told me that the pizza here is even better than their calgary location...i'll let you know. :) more later, phoenix

Current Mood: sad, but hungry

the way things are...
i'm feeling very thoughtful and profound tonight and i'm kinda diggin' it. so many thoughts are moving thru my mind that i can hardly catch hold of even one of them, but i still feel totally relaxed in spite of this. maybe all of my rereading of Buddhist philosophy and meditation is making me feel this way. if so, i like it. :) tho there are some concepts i'm still stuggling with, which made me give up my study of this philosophy a few years back, i think it's an interesting subject and worthy of further study. besides, it's not like i have to become Buddhist or anything! :)

all is well with me. i'm doing well in my karaoke contest, i'm singing my heart out 5 nights a week at karaoke, i'm still kicking ass at my workouts and my body is SLOWLY adjusting to the harsh weather, tho it's rebelling in every way. for example, my asthma is so bad right now that i've had to get back on my inhalers - i coughed so hard last week that i cracked a couple of ribs! what a pain! :)

talked to johnny tonight. it's been nearly a month since we've seen each other and he told me that he might be taking another job that'll take him away for another month, starting this sun. but he said if he does take that job, he'll have to come back to edmonton to drop off his cold weather gear and pick up his warm weather stuff - he'll be working in a boiler room - plus 70 to plus 300 - pretty toasty. and i'm ok about maybe not getting to see him very long, or even at all. as i told him tonight, i can feel his presence with me all the time and i'm happy. all i want is for him to be happy too and i know he's happiest when he's working, so i have no intention of saying anything to make him feel bad for that. he loves me. he wants to be with me and he will be when he can. i know he will. man, it's too late at night to get this deep! be well my lovelies. phoenix xxxooo...

Current Mood: tired, but good

how things are...
hello again dear readers, should any still exist. :) all is well with me & here is what is new with me.

i've been reading A LOT, cuz there are just so many things i want/need to read and i'm such a voracious reader, so i've been taking every spare moment to read. currently, i'm reading a book by anne rice called "exit to eden", which is similar to her erotic fantasy book series called "sleeping beuaty" exccpt it takes place in the present, rather than in some medeval fairy tale time period. it's pretty good actually and i'm finding myself getting drawn into her writing, just like i do whenever i read her vampire chronicles, in spite of her endless descriptiveness - i really like her writing, it's very sexy, no matter the subject.

i'm also getting close to finishing the book "rock bottom" by pamela des barres, which is also good. hell, i'd even say it's excellent and is basically what i plan to say in my review of it on the edmonton public library web site once i'm finished reading it, which should be soon hopefully. in addition to these two books, i'm also still plugging away at a huge book that i bought for myself a few years ago called "witches", which is an encyclopedia sized, non-fiction book about many people who claim to be witches, as well as other "occult" practitioners. when i started this book, i was jazzed, but am now just determined to finish it, so that i can donate it to the public library as i do with most books that i don't plan to read again, as long as they're in good condition. and since this is a hard coer copy and i have treated it very well, as i do all books, i should have no problem donating this one. it's really dry reading, i'm sorry to say. it could be good, but isn't for some reason. i think cuz it reads like a really bad documentary - the kind that you find yourself turning the channel on after watching for a few minutes.

and speaking of things you'd rather not see...johnny and i saw "the assassination of jessie james" and found it incredibly boring. he fell asleep within the first 10 mins or so, then would wake up every now and then and say, "is it just me, or is this really boring?" i assured him it wasn't just him and pointed out the numerous people around us who were texting people, talking among themselves or talking on their cells - none of which anyone complained about btw, even when one guy's phone kept ringing and he kept answering it. if that doesn't show how boring the movie was, then i don't know what will!!! also, the house lights came up a half hour before the movie ended and johnny and i spent some time after the movie, which we stayed to watch until the end in the hopes that it got better, but didn't - about the reasons for the house lights coming up. ie. the projectionist himself was so fucking bored, he was hoping to see something mroe interesting than the movie, like a couple having sex!!! :) we likely would have obliged, but johhny had a bad cold and was sleeping thru most of the movie! :)

other than that, we had a great time together. he even gave me a bunch of presentst before going back to work - he's so sweet! only one of them was something he bought for me, but i was still blown away by his generosity. what he bought me was an air purifier, which may not seem romantic, but i find sweet since he knows how sniffly i always am in my place. can't really tell if it's working yet, tho i've had it turned on for a week now. i mean,it does seem cleaner in here, but i still sneeze whenever i get up from lying down. however, come to think of it, i don't sneeze in here any other time...hmmm...cool!

also with my health in mind, he gave me a light gray, heavy duty, knee length parka that i can't wait to wear this winter - it should do the trick, i hope! johnny said he hopes that it'll stop me from bitching about being cold from now on cuz whenever i do, it makes him feel cold! :) and even tho the parka has a warm hood, that you can securely fasten, he also gave me ear muffs and i love them cuz they've got snoopy and woodstock on them - very cool!

i'm still working out 3 days a week and have finally found the energy to get back up to my full intensity. for so long, i couldn't seem to find the energy and still don't know why for sure, but since i've been taking my sleeping pill every night and vitamin b every day, i seem to have enough energy to get the rest i need and get stuff done now, which is a huge relief. it's also giving me a little extra energy, so i'm thinking about getting abck into volunteer work, but am not going to rush into anything just yet. it's just that i've always loved helping people and know that that's when i'm happiest and that there are a hell of a lot of people out there who need help. besides, right now, there's no rsuh for me to earn money, tho i am competing in a karaoke contest that has a $1000 grand prize, so you never know. it's a big committment tho, since the grand prize/sole winnder, won't be decided until some time in january, but i've got the time and it's worth it, for the experience if nothing else. my voice instructor ron thinks i have it all tied up, but i'm not sure and am not even worried about it. you never know what the judges want: you think you've got it for sure and they choose someone else, or vice versa. so, i'm just choosing songs every week that various regulars ask me to sing and am having a blast. next week is when the judges start eliminating people, so we'll see what happens - i'll let you know.

another possible new acitivity for me is goalball. carrie anton emailed me, as part of a mass email, inviting us to participate in a twice monthly goalball practice here in edmonton and the school is farily close to my place, which is an added bonus. don't know if this is serious competition, or just fun and participation, but i told her that either way, i'm in. it should be funny actually, considering how long it's been since i played, but what the hell. i'm currently in the best shape of my life and could always use the diversion, especially since johnny left town on tue and i likely won't see him for another month and a half or so. just gotta keep busy baby, that's all! and speaking of which, i guess i should close this "chapter" and get some more stuff done, since my day is really just beginning. so adios and in case i don't find the time to log on beforehand, have a VERY happy and safe samhain/halloween everyone!!! luv u all! xxx...phoenix

Current Mood: busy

Happy Autumnal Equinox all!!!
yes, it is once again, a very special day in the world of life, especially the life of a pagan...that day when there is an equal amount of day and night and all seems to be in balance...definitely a time of celebration...tho, it's a tad scaryifying how freakin' cold it is today! grr... however, i'm not going to panic...at least not today when i feel so in balance myself...nice change! :)

it's been another of my usual up and down weeks, but i made it thru yet again, yay! my cell is once again in the shop, but this time, since they didn't have any loaners i could use, i had telus suspend my service until mine comes back. they told me they'll reactivate my service for free when i get my phone back. so far now, i'm cell-free, or cellularly impaired. :( had no idea how much i rely on that little device until having been without one for the past couple of days. johnny, my hubby - yep, we're still married - also had to pop his cell into ht shop this week and was so disgusted with the selection he was offered, that he just went and got his old one reactivated while he waits for the new one to be repaired...why he has an old one just sitting around, i don't know and didn't think to ask...but then again, why do i? :) i'd reactivate my "brick" - motorola flip phone, but don't really see the point since i wouldn't be able to use it for what i mainly use my cell for: to check my home voice mail - that old "brick" doesn't have that capability...probably cuz voicemail hadn't been invented when that phone was made! :) so for now, i'm cell impaired - sad, but true.

as i say, all seems well with johnny and me. he caled me on fri and told me about his cell woes, then added that he just spent the past week sitting in his apartment, playing guitar. i guess his union was on strike, but now even tho everyone's going back, he hasn't decided what he wants to do yet...stay on his beer bender, go back to work, or go back on the road with his band. since money's not much of an issue for him and cuz he seems to be really enjoying his time off from work, he doesn't seem to be in a hurry to make any decisions right now. like me, he's just kinda coasting along, doing whatever he feels like doing whenever he feels like doing it. and i've just been enjoying whatever time we have together, which hasn't been much, but has been pretty good. i had to laugh to myself last night as i was getting ready for bed, cuz it ocurred to me that i do with johnny what i do with my own life: enjoy the good moments and ride out the bad ones - talk about finding balance! :)

we had a pretty good 24hrs or so together. he even crashed out here while i went to karaoke on fri, which was great, tho strage to be called by my husband on the bar phone, rather than my cell. he'd awakened to find me gone and called the bar phone number i'd left for him just to see how i was doing, unflike my girlfriend's guy who calls to make her feel like shit for being out on the town while he's at home. glad johnny's not like that. i got home from karaoke around 11:30 or so, to find a very content, relaxed johnny lying in bed, listening to tunes and drinking beer. we had a pretty good night, tho of course i had a few moments when i wanted to bitch slap the shit out of him as i usually do when he's drunk, but we both survived and had a good time nonetheless :) i even realized why i sometimes get so pissed with him when he's drunk: he sometimes acts like an annoying, hyper little kid who won't settle down - you can't talk to him and he says and does dumb ass things that make you wanna bitch slap him. but luckily for him :) he's not always like that when he's drunk...those times seem to come and go too, so i put up with it when i can and when i can't, we argue, this time only half seriously, and split when he starts seriously pissing me off. dysfunctional? maybe, but it works for us ok? :)

he went home last night after walking me home from the bar, where we'd gone for one drink and stayed for 5 hours, visiting with mutual friends who showed up. we had a pretty dood time. johnny shot a few games of pool with a couple of our buddies, while i sat and shot the shit with our other friends. but mostly, we sat by ourselves and laughed and talked and that was when i realized why i've hung in there for so long with johnny despite how much he occasionally pisses me off - about how i enjoy the good moments and ride out the bad ones, but how the good ones ALWAYS seem to outweigh the bad, thos at times it doesn't seem that way. hell, it doesn't seem that way in my own life either, but i think it is.

i went to bed last night around 1 or so, and slept fairaly soundly until about 11 this morning when i got up, had breakfast, watched a little tube, read for a while, went thru my mail, read my email, updated my telephone list - johnny gave me his mom's phone number so that i can leave a message with her if anything bad happens to me and he's MIA, so in case of emergency, and am now just blogging, then will go and check the tv listings for tonight and tomorrow, then lie down for a little nap before going to karaoke. of course, somewhere in the middle of all of these odds and ends that i'm doing, i want to perform a little ritual to celebrate this very special day. it doesn't have to be elaborate...mine never are anyway...i just want to connect with today and my goddess as i alwasy enjoy doing...it's just one of the many things i love to do. who knows when i'll hear from, or see johnny again. i just know that at this moment i'm not worried about that, or anything else for that matter and damn, it feels good! :)

so, bfn dear readers. be well, be safe and blessed be. phoenix scott xoxo...

Current Mood: content

confusion incarnate
my emotions are so jumblied right now that i knew i had to make a journal entry, or likely won't be able to sleep and damn it, i want/need to sleep. it's been so long since i had a good night's sleep that i can barely recall how it feels, tho this past week came close to giving me a great rest. but, all good things eventually come to an end and i believe my honeymoon with johnny is officially over, as is our "relationship".

yeah, i know i've said that many times before, but this time i'm the one deciding to end it, rather than assuming it's over cuz he's gone MIA on me. tho there's a really long story to why i'm dumping him, for sure this time, i can sum it up in one sentence: i have no tolerance for liars and that's what i now believe johnny to be. i was willing to accept him for all of his craziness: the drinking, the screwing around, his lengthy absences etc, but lying is expecting too damn much and the rest of the stuff was starting to push me too far as well.

we spent almost a week in bed, from last fri to last night - thur and it was wonderful. we just cuddled, talked and laughed and he said all the right things. hell, we even got married, verbally not legally, cuz he wanted to show me "how much he loved me". he also said that his other girlfriends want him to marry them, but that he doesn't want to, then told me that he was asking me and was hoping that i'd say yes. so, on sun evening we got married and ever since whenever we got out of bed and went out - usually to the bar so he could get more alcohol, he'd introduce me as his wife phoenix scott. hell, he even called his mother and brother and told them he got married and i listened in shocked silence as each of them said the same thing: "please tell me you married phoenix and not any of those other horrible girls you date." :) so here is where my confusion lies...and i could go round and round, but can't stand the thought of it, so here's my attempt at being concise, cuz in a way it's very simple.

i've found through VAST experience that people are generally totally honest when they're drunk and since johnny's been drunk for at least 2 weeks straight now, he's said a lot of things to me. half the time, he's sweet, loving and downright mushy. the rest of the time, he's bragging about how all of his lovers are in love with him and want to marry him, but that he never will cuz he doesn't want to be tied down. and that works for me cuz the very idea of being in yet another committed relationship freaks me out hugely. i mean, i was serious when i agred to marry johnny on sun, especially cuz of the vows i came up with, which he loved: that we could screw around, as long as we used protection and that we'd always make sure to change the sheets after our extramarital flings - crude, but smart i figured. :) anyway, as we were walking along tonight, once again heading to a bar to get offsales, i realized that tho i don't want to be in a committed relationship with anybody, i also don't want to feel like i'm being used, or that i'm just a convenient lay, as i believe i mentioned in a previous entry. does he really love only me? is he always honest with me and just being nasty cuz he's drunk? or is he being honest with me now that the alcolhol has taken away his inhibitions? in other words, i thought i could handle the fact that i can't trust him, but now i know i can't. i mean, i'd like to think the best of him and give him the benefit of the doubt, if for no other reason than a selfish one: cuz no one has ever been in love with me before and has gone out of their way to make sure everyone knows they're in love with me. but there's only so much i'm willing to put up with and being in love with a drunk is hard enough, i refuse to spend time with a possible liar, or at the very least, a person i just can't trust. so, tonight when he started picking a fight with me cuz i wanted to just come back to my place with him and skip the bar altogether, i split without even saying goodbye. and the funny/sad thing is, i doubt if he even noticed cuz he was so loaded. i have no idea what will happen if/when he sobers up, whether he'll remember that i took off, whether he'll call me again, but at this moment, i'm not really interested in talking to, or seeing him again, at least while he's drinking, but maybe even when he's sober - that is, if he's just a liar who watches what he says when he's sober.

ok, so i wasn't able to resolve my conflict about whether or not he's a good man, or a lying piece of shit, but writing this lj seems to have calmed me down somewhat and that's what i needed more than anything. i asked my friend deb tonight if it's possible to be in love with someone and want to kill them at the same time and she replied very seriously that it's very possible cuz that's how she feels when her man kelly gets drunk and stupid. am i hurt at the thought of leaving johnny once and for all? if i think of him as a good man, yes...i ache deeply. if i think of him as a lying piece of shit...i'm still hurt, but my anger will keep me strong and prevent me from contacting him. will he contact me? who knows. lately, he's been the one doing all the contacting, not me. but at this point in time, i'm too confused and tired to give two shits, so i'll just leave it at: as far as i'm concerned, johnny and i are through. i'm still in love with him, but have too much respect for myself and too many trust issues to be in any kind of romantic relationship with anybody and that's how it's gotta be. i doubt if that'll ever change either cuz i'm only starting to realize that i have a shitload of scar tissue as a result of being used and abused all of my life. that doesn't mean i'm fubar, just realistic and yeah pretty jaded, but necessarily so if i want to survive. altho the way my life has been going in general, i haven't decided if i want to survive yet. either way, i'm stuck being alive, so i'm doing what i can to make my life as liveable as possible, if not happy. i'll see what happens witht this manager...who knows, maybe if i become a rich and famous rock star, i'll finally be happy. it worked for janis joplin, jim morrison, jimi hendrix... :) thanx for "listening", if you did and bfn. phoenix

Current Mood: temporarily fubar - i hope!

update
don't know why, but i always seem to update this thing just before i'm ready to crash, whether for the night, or for just a nap. just thought i'd talk about the events of my day today. wasn't a great day, but not exactly a bad one either, upon further thought.

i told that anal guitarist doug that i don't want to work with him when i talked to him this afternoon. the short version is that we're just not compatible in any way and really can't work together. but man, did that ever feel like breaking up with a lover, yuck!

i also quit my voice instructor job today cuz i realized after hearing from my boss that my first student didn't want to pay me for our lesson this week cuz she didn't feel like she got anything out of it, that i don't feel like being a professional teacher. i love singing/music too much to get into the whole stressful side of begging people to do the right thing and pay me for the service i've provided. besides, i have no formal training and would rather just give people the occasional tip on voice technique when they ask for it. i mean, for me to teach people how to sing and charge for it, would be as weird as me charging people to hear about my religious beliefs...just can't do it man. i'm also starting to think that since i'm an instinctive singer who lives/love music, it just wouldn't be that easy to teach others how to sing unless they live/love music/singing too. ah, she had a shitty singing voice anyway! just kidding, kinda! :)

so, now i'm back to square one as they say, yet not really. i mean, yes i'm back to looking for a band, but at least i'm getting used to this whole music thing now. i mean, it is a matter of finding people you're compatible with in every musical way, that's all. and as johnny reminded me today, it takes time to do this. but, he still thinks that if i just stick to it, i'll get rich and famous someday...only someone who loves you A LOT could say that with a straight face and actually mean it! :) he's my sweetie! can't wait to see him on tue...he'll only be in town for one night, then he's gotta go back to work, but damn, are we ever gonna make that night count! :) i was telling my friend Krista today that sometimes i stress about johnny just using me for sex, or just settling for me cuz he doesn't have to worry about birth control etc and she said exactly the same thing that johnny said when i told him that today...that he wouldn't spend so much time/energy/effort being with me if that was all he wanted and we wouldn't spend so much time just talking about everything under the sun if there wasn't more to our relationship than that. good points all, but it's "fun" to feak out about nothing. :) like i told chats just last weekend, "i'm good at it."

saw my new eye doctor on thur who gave me a clean bill of health, or as clean as a visually impaired chick can get anyway. my eyes are stable according to all the tests and that's all i care about.

i'm totally diggin the last harry potter book. in fact, i'm enjoying it so much that i'm really taking my time reading it...i'm savoring every word and will likely read it several more times once i'm done. i'm just starting ch14 and can't wait to finish the book, especially since i need to finish it before any of the dozens of people i know who've read it give anything away. so far, my fave part of the book is when kreacher clobbers num dungus with the saucepan in order to help harry interrogate him...BIG FUNNY! i was foflmfao when i read that, let me tell you!

another awesome book that i'm reading "rock bottom" by pamela des barres, the same chick who wrote that disappointing groupie book that i just read a while back. this book has all the elements of raciness that i craved in the other one. for example, in the chapter about john bonham from led zep, she describes how their road manager walked around a bar in full view of all there, carrying a chick upside down, with his face buried in betweeen her legs while she screamed her head off! don't know if she was screaming with pleasure or mortiication, but either way, i had a good laugh at that. then, there was the anecdote about how the boys from led zep, not including robert plant a'course, put a couple of octopus into a bathtub of a couple of naked girls and watched the girls get some firsthand experience at fishing with parts of their body i bet they never thought of using for such a purpose...talk about horny ocutopus! or as my darling johnny said when i told him, "those lucky octopus!" to which i responded with, "yuck!" yet, it's still amusing in a sick and twisted way i gotta admit. :) anyway, in the midst of all of this freaky sex and bestiality, there's actually a lot of interesting "facts" in this book, mainly anecdotes, about the tragic demise of various rock icons, as well as their lives up to that point. very interesting, if any of it is true. hell, it's interesting even if none of it is! as you can imagine, i'm reading this book at a record pace and will let y'al know what i thought when i'm done.

i'm almost over this cold and am very grateful for that, cuz i'm sick of getting a cold every month and a half or so, and that's with the cold fx damn it! :( had a blast at karaoke last night. it was pretty dead, so deb, my karaoke host buddy and i got to sing and drink a lot! she won $900 on the vlts and was feeling like partying, so she bought me 6 shots of jack daniels over a 4 hour period. needless to say, neither of us were feeling any pain. and luckily, i wasn't feeling any pain today either, bonus. i am however, oficially back on the wagon tho. it's fun drinking, but i don't need to do it to have a good time, so why do it inexcess? i'll still have one every other week or so, but otherwise, i'm done. i came to this decision after talking to my sister today and realizing that i don't want to end up like her: an enragedalcoholic who hates the world and everything in it. i've also decided that she's just too negative of an energy force to allow in my life anymore. i talked about this with deb last night and she basically summed it up this way, since she also has a sister who's a crab and she no longer talks to: you can either sever ties, or cut down your contact with her as much as possible, cuz who needs that kinda shit in their life? it'd be different if she was struggling with her issues and doing everything she can to help herself: positive coping mechanisms etc, but she's not. all she does is sits at home, gets drunk and stews about how hard our childhood was, while blaming my mother for all of her current probs, to which i say, help yourself your dumb shit! and take responsibility for your own life for a change!!! wish i could say that to her, btu she scares me green man! she always has. hell, i still have nightmares about her. altho for the last couple of yaars all of them have consisted of me yelling at her, and physically frekain on her, then feeling more rage as she freaks out on me. oh well, at least she isn't beating the crap out of me every day like she did when we were teenagers, altho i always feel emotionally beaten up once i finish talking to her.

well, tempest fugit. i'm wiped and gotta crash. i wanna do everything i can to get over this cold, so i think i'm gonna do what i did last night: go to bed and stay there until i just can't lie there anymore, fuck the alarm clock...i'll get up when i feel like it. :) then, it's off to watch my darling hobbit christy and her band play at the bar "on the rocks" tomorrow night. it's gettin kinda hard watching bands play tho...i want to be the one up there rockin out with my band. i want it so bad i can almost taste it and damn it, if shitheads like hilary duff et al can do it, then so can i! wait, i didn't sound good in that statement did i? :) bfn! xoxoxo... phoenix

Current Mood: playful, but tired

it's been a while...
wow, i had no idea that it's been nearly a month since i made a blog...wild and crazy chit mon! too much has happened this past month to sum up in a "short" blog, so i'll just try to hit the highlights, or type until my hands get too sore :)

had a blast with 2 members of my extended family this past weekend: chats and shan. and not only did i get to hang with them, they also gave me presents: the first 2 seasons of buffy and an audio mp3 of harry potter bk7...very YAY!!! i think i've even figured out how to get from one episode to the next on my buffy stuff...but if i have, i gotta say, the first season seems kinda short, cuz i only found 4 episodes on the first disc and i'm not sure how many are on the 2nd one yet, but i think it's 5 or 6. regardless, i love my presents and can't wait to watch them all. thanx again you guys! LUV U!!! xoxo... they also took me out for supper at tony romas and i had very yummy potato skins and a MONDO glass of orange crush, which was so heavy i needed to use both hands to pick it up. and, as if that wasn't exciting enough, i got to hang with shan and chats in their luxurious hotel room on their super soft and comfy beds...as chats said in her blog from mon, they were soft as clouds...i came thisclose to stealing the duvay, but just barely managed to restrain myself, tho i think i just coulda stuffed it under my jacket and pretended i was pregnant! :)

as for how the rest of my life is going...ssdd, but good for the most part, except i woke up yesterday with another sinus infection...grrrrr!!! most annoying! so, i'm doing my usual attacking it with everything i'm allowed to take - no decongestants - in the hopes that i'll be able to endure the symptoms, if not cure the damn thing altogether. i just hope i stop sneezing and sniffling before my singing student gets here @ 6pm. i also hope i'm not contagious, cuz she's an elderly lady, who can't really afford to get sick. i'm pretty sure i'm not tho, cuz no matter how many times i get this type of infection, nobody else ever seems to catch it, no matter how hard i throw it! hehe! damn, these drugs are pretty nasty...i'm getting a leslie nielson sense of humor! :)

things are going well with me and john, tho we're both unhappy cuz we haven't seen each other in over 3 weeks and i just talked to him on mon and found out that he's just been transferred out to red deer for another 3 weeks! :( but, he has a dentist appointment next wed, and he told me he'll do his very best to come and see me then, cuz he said he misses me so bad it hurts, awww! i love that man!

in fact, that's the subject i'd like to end on today...my feelings for him. i nned a nap right away tho cuz the room is starting to spin, so i'll make this brief. everytime i think about john, i have a smile on my face and a lightness inside that makes me feel like all i have to do is raise my arms over my head and be able to fly. corny as hell i know, but very true. i can honestly say that even tho i've been in love a few times, i've never felt this way about anyone before and that includes my very first lover jim, likely cuz i was so young back then and didn't really know what i wanted. now i do. i want a relationship with a man with whom i can have fun, be close to, yet have no concerns about whether or not he's cheating on me, since we've both agreed that tho we're both free to screw around, neither of us feel like it right now. however, i can't say that i trust him in that regard, or any other really. i mean, i trust that he won't kill me in my sleep, or hurt me while we're in bed together, but beyond that... and it's not cuz he's done anything to me, other than disappear a couple of times without explanation, it's just that i really don't trust anyone very much. i can't afford to. bitter and painful experience has taught me that when i allow my guard to come down, with friends or lovers, they rip me apart and i just don't have to energy to go through that again. yet, this inability to trust somehow doesn't diminish my love/compassion for anybody...go figure. :)

anyway, when i talk to, or see john, i completely lose myself in our life together - how much we care, how much fun we have, how much we have in common etc, and everything else - his drinking, his lengthy absences etc, don't seem to matter. but when i don't talk to, or see him for a while, he becomes a sweet, distant memory, like a dream you're grateful you had, but aren't sad about cuz there's a chance you'll have that dream again. see, everytime john leaves, i feel like i'm never gonna see him again, and altho a part of me is afraid of that, another accepts that and is just happy to know that we have/had love that made us both happy for a period of time. but i do know one thing for sure: whether john and i are lovers forever, or break up tomorrow, i'm NEVER going out with anybody again, not just cuz it's too hard to go through loving somebody again, but also cuz what i have with and feel for john is too special to tarnish by going out with anybody else. of course, whatever he decides to do is up to him, but i know what i want: a long distance relationship with john, so that things are always fresh and exciting and everytime we see eachother it's always like our first time. and whether we live together or not, i still would like to have a long distance relationship, cuz the idea of a routine life scares me green!

so much for brief. :) but how can you capture such intense feelings in writing, never mind a short amount of writing? anyway, must lie down before my head explodes from sneezing. more later. love to all! xoxo... phoenix
p.s. i'll write about how my music career is going once i figure out where it's going. :)
p.p.s. if you wanna check out my b-day pix, they're now on facebook...too bad i look butt ugly in pix! either i'm not very photogenic, or i actually am butt ugly...don't know which. oh well, at least johnny loves me. :)

Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: 867-5309 (Jenny)

short & bitter sweet...
yes, that's what my time in a band was...short & bitter sweet. last week, i auditioned for a rock band who'd responded to my ad about looking for a band and they told me i had it, tho the lead guitarist was a bit concerned that my voice was kinda quiet. i assured him that if given the chance, and without major nerves getting in my way as they had the first song or two, i'd show him how strong my voice is. so, we did several more songs and he, as well as the rest of the guys said they were impressed with the improvement and my voice in general. so, all week i've been flying higher than a kite, totally psyched about finall getting into a band, being the lead singer, being a part of something cool, possibly making money at it, tho to be honest, i was more jazzed about the fact that i finally had that sense of belonging somewhere, even if it only meant we'd be mainly jamming regularly and doing the odd gig. yeah, we hit it off that well.

anyway, i called cary, the lead guitarist on wed to find out what was happening and he told me they were auditioning drummers that day. i felt a little weird about that cuz i thought i should be in on that decision, since i'm part of the band, but then realized that they know more about the music playing side than i do, so it should be up to them. he said he'd call me as soon as he knew what was happening. i hadn't heard from him by today, so i called him again and this time, unlike on wed, he didn't sound too happy to hear from me. he told me they were auditioning 4 people today, including a bassist. i asked him why he decided not to go with the bassist we jammed with last weekend and he told me that the guy was kinda young. i then asked if he was also auditioning singers and all he said was that my voice was't very powerful. i again calmly assured him that if he just gave the chance i could prove myself to him, managing not to remind him that he liked me last week. he said that he'd call me as soon as he saw everybody today, but i'm not holding my breath. he didn't sound convinced.

this whole thing, as well as all the other times i've been rejected cuz of my voice - ok there've only been 3 times, but that's still a lot as far as i'm concerned, have shown me one thing that i should have known: i'm not cut out for the music business. i know you're supposed to take rejection in stride cuz it's just part of being in that business, learn from the rejection, then go out on more auditions until you get a job, but i just can't take rejection and i know that. i never could. i also can't handle criticism and i knew that too and i know you have to be able to handle both or you're screwed. of course, as i've already said in this lj, this job meant more to me than just being accepted into a band as a pro singer and it shouldn't have. it was a job, not a chance at having that family that i've sought my whole life and i should remember that. even with my karaoke crowd: as much as they genuinely like me, they're not my family. hell, i never even see them outside of karaoke. i have to remember that i have no family, blood or otherwise and i don't belong anywhere, excpet with myself and that's always been good enough...it has to be.

my shrink and i were talking this past week in our session about how hard it is for me not to take rejection or people leaving so personally, but it's so hard for me. i just fall apart, tho i fight it and really don't want to. i told him i'm starting to feel like a walking wound, not the walking wounded, but an open wound and every now and then, sometimes more often than that, cruel people, intentionally or not, come along and pour salt on me, which burns me so badly i feel like i'll never move again. sounds dramatic and stupid, but i'm sad to admit it's totally true. needless to say, my confidence is now shot. i don't know how to get it back either, not that it was ever tha high in the first place. how am i supposed to go on more auditions, if i do, or teach singing like i'm supposed to next month? what am i supposed to do? pretend that nothing anybody says bothers me and then hope that someday i won't be pretending? at least one good thing has come out of this: as down as i am, i don't feel suicidal. i mean, yes i do have a horrible sense of hopelessness for my future: no one who really loves me, no one who really wants or even cares about me, but i still don't feel the need to hurt or off myself, tho i'd be lying if i said i didn't wish i could just lay down and die in my sleep tonight.

one more grievance, then i'm outta here again. 3 guess what it's about and the first 2 don't count. that's right johnny. all i'm gonna say is that i'm fairly choked with him and am not sure what i'm gonna do about it. briefly: he's been in town since yesterday and hasn't answered his cell even once - it's gone straight to voicemail each time - and tonight he called from a pay phone while i was taking my nap, saying that he's "without his cell" and will go to the different karaoke bars i sing at to try to find me. first, i don't sing on sat nights EVER, second, he knows how to get to my place and could've at any point in the past 24 hours, and third, i found out from May, the lady who runs the little hotel where john's staying in gallahad, alberta that marie, yes psycho shit who used to harass me, has also been calling and could i please let john know? could i let him know? he'll be lucky if i don't give it to him with both barrels. i'm not jealous...i don't care who else he's sleeping with as long as i don't have to hear the details and for all i know, they're probably not anyway. the point is, this is a horrible woman who caused me nothing but grief cuz of him and he's not only still friends with her, but she knows where he's working and staying...gee, i have no idea why i should be mad! add to that, all the times he's had trouble with his cell and hasn't been able to reach me, and the fact that he lives 3 freakin blocks away from me, plus has had meals at a restaurant less than 2 blocks away from me and hasn't bothered to come over to my place, or even call. i'm not expecting him to spend every waking moment with me on his days off, but why not one damn phone call? i'm not even the type of person who wheedles and whines in an attempt to get my guy to come and see me, which i should n't have to do anyway. i'm hapy with whatever time we have together, tho that time is usually very short. i knew it would be from the moment we started dating. i also knew he wasn't a conentional guy, which suits me cuz i'm hardly conventional myself. i don't think i'm asking for much here. hell, he's probably sitting at the dockside, again a couple of blocks away from here, getting drunk, and telling himself that he can't find me anyway. whatever. i don't have a clue what i'd say if i saw him anyway, especially cuz lately i'm starting to feel like blow job girl and that's it. hell, i've even called the 3 bars that he knows that i go to and have left messages with the staff that he can call me at home if he comes in looking for me. so far, not calls. if i hear from him or see him fine, if not, fine. i wasn't planning to go out tonight anyway, unless the boys in te band had called saying they wanted to rehearse ha ha on me. the more i write, the more bummed i get, so i'm outta here. thanx for reading this dear readers, if you did. phoenix xxx...

Current Mood: weird

i'm going to do my best to keep this lj brief: i'm not in a good mood, i have to have breakfast shorty and i'm sick of "hearing" myself speak, especially about myself.

normally, fri the 13ths are either uneventful, just like any other day, or are very good for me...yesterday wasn't. it started out ok. i got up, had breakfast, went to the gym, had a good workout, tho still modified thanx to my gnawing, raw back pain, then came home and sent my ex henry a b-day message on facebook. not sure why i did that, since we're not friends anymore. guess i was just feeling gracious and good about myself in general. my bad. i sent the message and he sent a nice reply along the lines of how great it was to hear from me, that he hopes i'm doing well etc and i went to his profile to add him to my friends' list, thinking that we might be able to pick up where we left off as friends again, now that enough time has passed for us not to be angry with each other anymore, when i saw his marital status: married.

i wish i could express in words just how thrown i was by that tidbit of news. don't get me wrong. i'm not the type of petty bitch who can't be happy for others who have what i don't, especially since i've NEVER had any desire to get married, tho there have been a few times when i was so in love i seriously considered the idea. henry was one of those times. i sat and stared at the word "married" until my vision started graying out and i realized i was on the verge of passing out - something i've never done before, but i kid you not, i was that shocked. i hurriedly logged off without adding him to my list, then got up and paced back and forth in my apartment for some time, trying to allow the shock to wear off. it really hasn't yet. how i can possibly be going through yet another grieving process over him is beyond me. i mean, i don't even love him anymore, and haven't for several months. i don't even miss him as a friend anymore. yet, there i was and here i am, still feeling all the pain that i have felt all of my life regarding this topic/issue.

and thru it all, all i can hear are the words of so many guys i've known, the majority actually, telling me that i'm good enough to screw, but not good enough to marry and definitely not good enough to love. now, to learn that my ex, who has never been married in his 52 years on this earth and certainly not in the 20 years that we dated on and off, is now married. part of me is fighting for rationality: people change, it's been a long time since you dated him etc, but the pain is all consuming and choking me, so that i can barely think at all, even today. i tried seeking comfort from 2 or 3 people, but none were very compassionate. they all just think i'm being silly, not only about this, but about all the people who've called me names and made fun of me of late. the lates one being a chick last night who came up to me as i was walking home from karaoke around midnight and asked me what i'd do for $20. attempting to employ my mother's suggested tactic, i asked her nicely why she was asking me that and she said, "cuz i think u look like a hooker". swallowing the rage and hurt i felt boiling up inside of me, i shot back "back atcha", which surprised her little gaggle of friends, but to which she replied, "yeah, but i look like a hot one", then she and her friends walked off cackling and i bit off my retort - yeah, be proud of that - and walked home. i thought i was just mad, but as soon as i got into my apartment, shut and locked the door, i slid down to the floor and cried my eyes out. it was all just too much. again, rational thoughts are hammering at the back of my mind, but all i can feel is pain, that i can barely stand. of all the old demons to have to deal with again, why this one? or any, for that matter? is it too much to ask for me to have some surcease? some momentary peace from all the shit?

then, as if this all doesn't shred the pitiful amount of self-esteem i already have, there's another prob. i haven't heard back from the guy who has a band that is looking for a female lead singer. i was supposed to meet with him on thur, but he said he had car trouble, but wanted me to come over on sat, today. but he hasn't called and i have a nasty feeling he won't, cuz i told him i have a slight vision prob. more rejection. i swear, i wish i could just crawl into a hole and die. or better yet, that this delicious heat wave would just come and kill me in my sleep as i lie under my two comforters sleeping peacefully in spite of all of my hurtful thoughts/feelings.

what anoys me most about all of these thoughts/feelings is that i don't WANT them. i just want themt to be put to rest and go away forever, but they won't and i don't think it's cuz i won't let them, as my dear mother thinks. we all have our demons and me feeling like i'm not good enough for anyone and don't belong anywhere is mine, much as i wish it were different. i also wish i could tougher/harder, so that no matter what anybody says to me, or about me, it won't bother me anymore. maybe then, i wouldn't feel like such a goddamn wimp and sometimes i honestly don't care what people say about me, since for as long as i can remember i've been called every name imaginable and am partly numb to it all. but there's still a big part of me that is still crushed and shocked by people's cruelty every time. last night, one of the things i heard myself saying as i sobbed was, "but why, i didn't do anything!" maybe there is no answer to why people are so damn mean, especially of late. maybe mercury is in retrograde or something and it's causing people to turn nasty i don't know. all i know is that i can't take much more and i'm barely hanging on right now, in spite of how well most things are going in my life. i just feel so vulnerable, tired and beaten and i don't want to feel any of these things. i thik it's time to withdraw from the world again, at least for a while. i'll keep to myself, keep my head down when out and about - maybe nobody will make fun of me or insult me if i don't look them in the eye, and scurry around when i need to like the dumb mouse that i am/have become. i'm too wiped to fight back and am greatly outnumbered since even my "friends" aren't being remotely supportive of me, present readers excluded of course. i'm tired and am giving up, at least for a while. i doubt if anyone will notice. i'll still put on my happy face for all those i need to deal with and hope that at some point i won't be pretending. it's a good hope i think and you just never know...until then tho, i'm going underground. more later. love you all. phoenix
p.s. the length of this blog just shows how lost/lonely/hurt i now am.

must see & the latest...
ok...since i suck at giving movie reviews without giving the plot away etc...all i will say is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix fuckin rocked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i loved it, will see it again and will buy it the moment it's for sale on dvd. whew! there, i didn't give anything away! :) my only complaint about the movie, didn't even take place in the movie, but in the theater...an asshole employee who was supposed to be helping me to my seat - it was a sunny day and i needed help cuz the movie had already started - actually had the balls to make fun of me for being blind! my only bad was in not asking said shithead for his name so i could report him to the manager, which he probably was anyway. sigh!

other than that, all is currently ok. except my phone keeps ringing off the hook and since i'm screening my calls at the moment, i'm getting pissed that this same 1 800 number keeps calling and then doesn't leave a message, stalker much? i pity the poor fucker when i actually decide to answer the phone, altho it'll probably be someone like my mom who'll be totally puzzled by my'tude. :)

i just checked my voicemail...the last caller was mike from calgary, who i'll call back as soon as i'm done this lj.

i'm having a pretty good day in spite of the fact that i'm not doing what i was supposed to be doing today. i had an audition/jam session lined up for this moring with a rock band who wants to do cover and original material. but we've rescheduled for sat cuz one of the guitarists had to take his car into the shop today. hopefully all will go well on sat...i'll let you know.

things are "normal" with me and johnny i guess. or at least as normal as they're likely ever gonna be anyway. :) we talk when we can, laugh at all the razzing he gets from his buddies who are staying in the same inn that he is for being so cutesy with his "goddess" and stay as busy as we can until we can see each other again. he's pretty jazzed about all the responses i'm getting to my ad from various bands and keeps telling me that i'm gonna be a big star someday soon. who knows...from his lips to the goddess' ears!

i'm LOVING this latest heat wave and am sleeping better than i have in months! it's awesome! i've checked around a bit and have found that i'm right, all the people i know who work out regularly at the gym and i mean, hard, are enjoying the heat as much as i do...likely cuz we all get ourselves into a good sweat at the gym and are used to being nice and warm. it was kinda weird tho...i woke up this morning with the sun pouring through my bedroom window and a slight warm breeze easing the blind in and out and i looked down at my cold arms and was stunned to see/feel goodsebumps. so, i quickly pulled both comforters around me and went back to sleep. like i said, someday i'll probably be so sensitive to the the cold that i'll be wearing my winter jacket in
plus 20 degree heat! hmmm...not so funny i guess. :) anyway, gotta call mikey back...luv to all! phoenix
p.s. my phone just rang again and it was bmo mosaic mastercard - i asked them what their phone number was and when i confirmed it was the number of the person who's been calling me all day, i stayed quiet for a moment while the guy apologized - in a snarky voice - for inconveniencing me and i prompty hung up without saying another word. what a snotty little shit he was! i think that's always been my pet peeve and likely always will be: people who are stuck on stupid as my sweetie johnny says. :( bfn

Current Mood: happy

something new...
i just had to post this...it's my very first book review. i wrote it for the edmonton public library about the book i just read called "i'm with the band" by pamela des barres. i'm afraid i didn't like it much and wrote that. i just thought it was a pretty good piece of writing (if i do say so myself) and had to post it here. it's kinda cool that the library allows its customers to review books on their web site. maybe i'll write more! :) btw, things are ok for me today, or as i said on facebook, "normal". luv y'al. bfn

If you're looking for a titilating account of one half of the infamous "plaster casters'" tales of racy, sexy experiences with various, famous, rock stars in history, look elsewhere. All that you'll find in this book is an occasionally amusing, but mostly melodramatic, drawn out telling of Des Barres' numerous romantic entanlements with a myriad of men. Some of her stories are funny, but they aren't nearly as racy as i was hoping/expecting they would be. Yes, I will admit it: i really was hoping to read all sorts of nitty gritty details about some very famous, naughty rock stars and some of the crazy things she did, not only while with them, but in order to meet them as well. For example, did she grab on to the legs of one of the members of Led Zeppelin until he agreed to take her back to his room? Or, did she try to sneak into Mick Jagger's hotel room and crawl into his bed while he was asleep? If she did either of these things, she doesn't mention them in this book, which would have made it far more entertaining. That isn't to say it doesn't have its funny moments, because it does: Des Barres is an engaging storyteller. However, this book is really anti-climactic, not only because of the lack of racy scenes, but also due to the fact that I didn't even recognize half of the "famous" people's names that she continally drops throughout the book. What also got on my nerves by the third chapter, is how she portrays herself as the girlfriend of many of these men, rather than just another crazy, star struck groupie. In other words, I wanted to read a Jackie Collins type of book and got stuck with a Harlequin Romance instead. So, let's just say that this book will be enjoyable for romantics, or those who have absolutely no expectations going in, which is my recommendation.

Current Mood: mellow

fed up...
there are currently so many things that i'm fed up with right now, not the least of which being, continally hoping that if i just keep trying, i'll find a way to beat, or at least cope with my bi polar, especially the depressive side of it. i'm also getting fed up with thinking that if i just keep trying to "exorcise" my pain through writing about it, i'll get better. oh well, this is likely yet another exercise in futility, but it's not like anything else is currently working. should any of you wish to stop reading at this point, i'd understand...i wish i didn't feel this way at all, much less feel the need to write about it.

the long and short of it is that i hate myself and can't seem to stop hating myself. why? don't really know. perhaps i've been put down so many times now that i've started to actually believe all the abusive words i've heard. maybe i am a worthless slut who doesn't deserve to be loved, or rather, that no one can EVER love, as i've been told more times than i can remember. hell, i've been called a slut by so many people for so many years that the word has almost lost all meaning, yet still causes an emotional impact on me. however, i am proud to say that 3/4 of me doesn't care what people think/say about me, tho that's just cuz i'm becoming apathetic about the whole thing. then there's the quarter of me who cares deeply about what people think/say, to the point that i'm ultra sensitive to everything and get hurt very easily, which of course comes out as anger, since i can handle showing people anger, but never want to show my pain. yet somehow i always seem to, especially at times like these when my defenses seem to be at an all time low. maybe i'm making a public lj, rather than a private one cuz i want/need someone to know how much pain i'm in...don't know why since it doesn't really help/matter, yet as i said, i'm getting good at these exercises in futility. i just wish that i could shake all of this shit and finally be at peace with myself: silence the screaming voices in my head who're always telling me that everyone who's ever put me down is right about me. yet, how can they be? how could i have been a slut during all those years when i was totally celibate and single? how could i have been a slut during all those years before i even became a teenager and knew what the hell i was being called? and it was always either that, or i was called ugly, which hurt just as badly if not more. my mom tells me i should ask myself "is it true?" and if i can honestly say that it's not, then i shouldn't let anyone's words/actions get to me...would that it were that easy - typical christian solution.

and as if these thoughts ween't bad enough, i always find myself really rebelling about being blind...i hate it, more than every other health prob i ahve put together and that's saying something. but why bother going into that? it's a moot point. i can rail against my poor health - physical/mental - all i want, but it doesn't change a goddamn thing and enver will. there's only one thing that would and i'm too tired to even attempt suicide - instant gratification takes too fucking long!!!

then there's johnny...a constant source of ecstacy and pain/confusion. one minute he's telling/showing me how much he loves me and how special i am - making me think we have the prfect relationship: open and long distance, with very little chance of ever becoming routine or boring. the next moment, he says stuff that makes me feel like i'm nothing but another lay in a long line of lays that he's had in his very active love life. half the time, i don't know if it's just me doing my usual reading things into things thing, or if he really is playing head games with me and damn it, i'm so damn tired that i don't even have the energy to try to sort it all out. i haven't been able to sleep for almost a week now and i'll admit that's not conducive to clear thinking, but in some ways, the lack of sleep seems to be making everything just a bit clearer, porbably like those holy people who took various drugs in order to have vision quests and such. but i'm no holy person, at least not in the strictest sense of the word. i'm just a very tired, old soul who's been on this planet just a little too long and wants off asap, if not sooner. as i'm sure i've said at least a dozen times before, i just want peace...to drift in a delicious, insensate haze...that is my dream...cuz this life/world sucks for me and maybe i'm not nearly as strong/tough as i thought i was. maybe i am just a cowardly quitter who looks for stress and wants pity from everyone, i don't know anymore. i mean, i don't think that's the case, but who the hell knows anymore.

perhaps the most frustrating part of all of this is that for the most part, things are going really well for me: my singing is taking off, i know lots of people who know and like me, my health is generally good...it's just the tornadoes/acid in my head that keep ripping me apart that i can't handle. even when there doesn't seem to be any source of stress in my life, they're still there, eating at me, picking at me, ripping me apart and staying to feed. there's just no peace and i don't understand it and am getting really tired of fighting it, and dealing with it. sometimes, my head hurts so much, emotionally, that i literally lie in bed, wrap my arms around my head and pray for death, cuz the pain is that bad.

last night, i was lying beside johnny, who came into town for 24 hours to take care of work related stuff, and all i could think is, this man's going to destroy what's left of me that everyone else in my life hasn't already destroyed and i buried my face in my pillow and wept silently as he slept. i hate feeling this way and have no idea what else to do to remedy the situation. my psychiatrist's solution is always the same: increase the dosage of my meds, but i'm starting to think that's why i'm not sleeping anymore, which is scary cuz this is the last med that is an option for me to take. maybe i should just lay my apprehension aside and get the shock therapy that i've talked with my shrink about. i mean, yes it could cause a lot of memory loss, but at this point, maybe wiping out my memory entirely would be a blessing.

anyway, i've been typing for who knows how long, turning all of this shit over and over, without any sign of a solution, so i guess i'll try to get some sleep now and hopefully forget about all of this for a while. then, i'll get up, have a shower, have supper and read for a bit, or record some more songs on the web site. meanwhile, i just have to kill the part of me that won't shut up about how worthless i am. i just really wish john hadn't picked this weekend to make jokes about owning me financially and how i owed him at least $120 worth of blow jobs for buying me a playboy jacket. i know he was joking, but like i said, this was a really bad time to joke about that. i don't want to owe anybody anything and i'm not the kind of person who expects her/his boy/girlfriend to buy tons of shit for them. all i want is to know that i'm special to someone, not to live with them on a full time basis or anything, just to know that i'm loved and that it's safe for me to love someone. hell, i'd be happy if could get 100% of myself to love myself...but like i said, it's just not happening no matter what i do. anyway, enough of this self-analysis shit. if my shrink hasn't been able to help me and tells me he's not sure if he can, then how the hell am i supposed to do anything, except try to get better at enduring the pain, cuz i don't think it'll ever go away, no matter how much i want it to and believe me, i WANT it to. more later. phoenix

Current Mood: apathetic

a quickie...
ok, unlike my last lj, this one'll be a quickie, cuz my back hurts like hell and it's really late - gotta get up early to hit the gym again.

so much has happened this week that i'm almost too freaked out to talk about it and i'm not really sure if i should mention any names in case the wrong eyes read this, so let me just say that a dear friend, who's like a brother to me, has had a bitch of a time lately and for that i'm furious, sad and deeply concerned. when i talked to him on the phone yesterday, i managed not to let him hear how upset i was, but when i called chats, she knew i was crying. i can't help it. when someone as sweet as my big brother is, gets hurt in every way, i feel like shit. but when i talked to him on the phone today, i felt much better, cuz he sounded more like his old self. i even made him laugh by telling him that just cuz he's in the right position doesn't mean he gets to grab any pretty nurses in interesting places. :)

got my computer fixed, finally. turned out to be a really stupid prob. the new video card thingie didn't fix it, but deactivating a bkgd file called bnt.util.exe did the trick. neither my techie chick carrie, nor i, have a clue what that file was...all that matters is my 'puter works now, YAY! tho i still have to get a new copy of office so that i can make my zoomtext work with Word.

johnny's gone back to work and will be gone for 3 wks. we're both upset about it, but he sounds more upset than i am. i guess being realistic/jaded, gives me more protection from some things than others have. i had a feeling i wouldn't be able to see him again ebfore he went back to work, but he was sure we would get to spend a week together in bed ebfore he had to leave again. but a great job opp came up and he went and is making a shitload of money. but it hruts missing him so much and he told me the same thing - he even brought the guitar picks that i gave him with him, so that he has "part of me" there.

oh, so much more to say, but my sciatica is screaming like a feak, so i guess i'll sign off for now. i send a beam of healing energy to my big brother, mikey, as well as all my lvoe to all my extended family in calgary. blessed be! phoenix

Current Mood: tired

the latest in the "land of confusion"...
yes, "this is the world we live in"...:) or at leas the one that i live in. yet somehow, i don't feel like shit about it, at this moment anyway.

johnny came over last night around 6:30 and stayed for a few hours. he would have stayed for the night, but he had plans - a reunvion with all of this bddues who he only gets to see once a year. i was a little choked that he was leaving, not only cuz it made our intimate time together feel a little icky, especially when he offered to leave me some money so that i could order some food in before going out last night, (but k knew that he was just being nice since he knew that ihadn't had supper yet) but also cuz of where he was going. it wasn't just a reunion party, it was a "peeler party". from what johnny told me, he and his buddies all pitch in money, hire a bunch of stipers, rent a hall, then proceed to have a big dinner, get drunk and feel up a bunch of chicks that they paid for - nice! :( this little tidbit of info is what johnny told me about on the morning of his b-day when i had my big epiphany about how i should change my outlook on our "relationship". not cuz i want us to be "exclusive" - gag! - but just cuz i don't like the idea of sleeping with a guy who also sleeps with strippers - call me a snob, but that's just the way i feel.

anyway, before he left, i stayed cool and kept the thought of us just being friends with benefits in my head as i said, "have a good time baby", which is pretty much what anybody would say to their friend i think. he smiled and said "i already did, now i'm going to just hang out with my buddies, have a good meal and head home." he said he no intention of drinking - a holdover from his binge - and therefore, wouldn't be staying all night like all the other guys were planning. most of these guys are married btw and told their ladies that they were all going "fishing" - again i say "yuck!" i mean, if you're going to be a scwaround, especially when you're married, at least be honest about it, says the chick who fooled around with her upstairs neighbor! :) different situation i think. besides, i have told john about it and he wasn't remotely concerned, especially when i assured him that that was all it was and is now over.

anyway, i was planning on going to watch my friend julie and her band play last night, cuz i promised her i'd go and i always keep my promises. if johnny had stayed the night, he likely would have come with me. but, i guess Fate decided to make me a liar. when i called the bar around 10pm to find out where they're located, i heard loud music in the bkgd and the bartender told me that julie's band was already on stage and would be done by 11pm cuz there were other bands playing that night. i sighed and went online to Facebook to send julie a message of apology - ok, groveling, then went to my karoke site to make "some" recordings. i ended up recording half a dozen songs and finally stopped around 3:00am or so out of concern that my neighbors would complain about the noise. i then checked my Facebook account and found a message from julie assuring me that she wasn't choked with me at all, but was annoyed with the bartender for misinforming me. frankly, i think the bartender just couldn't hear me properly due to the band that was playing, but that's a moot point now. i was just grateful that she understood and sent her a message to that effect - man that site is like cyber crack - very addictive - just like julie warned me about. oh yeah, just for the "fun" of it, i typed in my ex-boyfriend's name on Facebook and was gleeful to see that he only has 1 friend on there - that bastard! - not that i'm bitter. :)

after finally pulling myself away from the cumpter, i saw it was nearly 3:30 and i felt prouud that i'd managed to break my habit of previous nights by logging off early - ok, only a half hour earlier than my usual time, but that still counts! :) i went to check my voicemail, cuz i found a message there and was puzzled to hear what was clearly a cell phone message that sounded like intermittent party noises - wonder why music cuts in and out like that on cell phones. but the person didn't leave a message. following a hunch, i checked the time and caller and was only mildly surprised to find that it had been johnny. i felt a little annoyed that he'd felt the need to call me from the "peeler party" and prompty called him back to say so - who the hell wants to hear cheap, yucky strippers slobbering all over their lover? i did hear women giggling in the bkgd with the music. he answered right away and told me that he and his buddy "parogy" - a ukranian guy he's worked with in the past, were walking around trying to find a cab, since neither of them wanted to walk the 4 or 5 miles back downtown to his apartment, where they'd be crashing cuz parogy was so drunk. i teasingly said, "oh yeah, he's the one who's drunk huh?" and johnny asked his buddy to confirm that johnny had only had 4 beers throughout the night - he still drank, but it's his business not mine. anyway, i calmly asked him why he'd called me from the party and hadn't said anything and he shocked me by telling me that he'd wanted me to hear the song that was playing in the bkgd cuz it was about him. i told him i couldn't hear what the song had been and almost fell over when he said, "faithfully". i managed a barely audible "huh?" and he laughed and asid that he is still being faithful to me, in spite of all the opportunities, since he doesn't need the rest, now that he's got the best. i laughed softly, though nervously, since this is dangerous ground i've been on in other relationships with guys who've always sworn fidelity, then cheated on me and gotten pissed off when i've gotten angry and hurt, telling me that we're not married, even though fidelity was their idea, not mine. sigh. anyway. i told him that i don't own him and if he wants to screw around, he's welcome to and that all that i ask is that he uses protection. he said you can screw around too you know and i told him that i'm not currently interested in anyone else, to which he promptly said, "niether am i."

god, it'd be so easy to lose myself in the romance of being with a great guy who says all the things i want to hear, but i know from VERY bitter experience, that i can't afford to do that, not cuz i'm afraid of committment per se, but cuz i'm afraid of how i become when in a committed relationship. since i'm pretty much incapable of trsting anyone, especially men, i always get possessive, clingy and jealous once it's been established that i'm in a committed relationship. i prefer assuming my guy is scrweing around and leaving it at that - no trust, no heartache, or at least, that's the jaded idea. the point of this rather long winded lj is that in spite of every efrort, i feel johnny's love pulling at me like a magnet, just like i wrote in my poem to him a couple of weeks ago, which he loved btw. he also loved the guitar picks that i gave him for his b-day, telling me that they're exactly the kind that he normally uses, although his aren't nearly as cool as the ones i have him. when i told him why i chose the designs that i did - cuz i don't want him to forget about me in all of his MIA moments when i can't reach him, he told me that even if we broke up that night and never saw each other again, he'd NEVER forget me, nice! :) do i believe that? does it matter? it was a nice thing to say/hear.

what also went well yesterday, was my meeting what that musician Mike. we sat and talked and jammed for over 2 hours and both think we can work well together. he left me a copy of the cd he recorded while still living in ontario and johnny and i listened to it and agreed that mike is a good guitar play and has a pretty good voice. mike's voice blended really well with mine while we jammed yesterday and we agreed to get a little list of tunes together that we could perform on open stages etc. they'll consist of his origninal stuff with some cover tunes thrown in to get people's attention. you never know, could be cool. tonight, he's coming down to kelly's to watch me sing karaoke, since i doubt if johnny and i are going to the roger waters' concert, since we agreed that it'd be stupid to pay whatever outrageous price a scalper would charge us for same day tickets.

and so ends yet another lengthy lj - sorry dear readers. i just always seem to have so much to say, or at least take up a lot of room writing about a few meaningful events in my daily life, tomato, tomotto. :) gotta sign off for now and go and record some more tunes, so bfn! love y'al! xoxo...phoenix

Current Mood: amused

a poem i wrote
i wanted to post this poem that i wrote last week for johnny, not only to remind mmyself of what a difference a couple of weeks has made in my life, but also cuz as sappy/sweet as this poem is, i'm pretty damn proud of it. i wrote it in about 3 mins or so. i was inspired. johnny and i had just spent the whole day together, cuddling and talking and now...he never called me tonight. i can only assume/hope that he's still sleeping. the only other possibility is that he's no longer remotely interested in me, and in spite of my new outlook on our "relationship", the thought of being rejected yet again, hurts like hell. anyway, enough of this shit, here's the poem.

Love Light

Written by Phoenix Ducharme on June 9, 2007
For John Scott, the love of my life

When you touch me
I fly. Your smile warms me inside.
You’re the sweet drug that gets me high
And calms me, soothes me, moves me

Deep inside. Do you know
How much I feel when we’re together?
How your love is the light that warms me, consumes me
Envelops me in sweet quietude.

Do you know how fast my heart races,
How hard it pounds, when I see you,
Or hear your voice…
Can you hear it? Can you feel it?
You thrill me, calm me, soothe me,
Inspire me, make me sing.

All I want is to be with you, so I can look into your eyes.
They touch me, caress me, so sweetly…
Your arms are where I always want to be.
Hold me, know that your heart

Is the magnet that is safe with me
It pulls me like nothing ever has.
Or ever could.
I give my heart to you by the light of love…

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: "play that funky music white boy" on Joe

p.s.
...almost forgot! happy belated solstice everyone!!! hope yours rocked as much as mine did! i even slept really well last night cuz a buddy of mine got me REALLY stoned - don't do it often, but it does help my glaucoma and my sleep. thank the goddess for grass from BC!! ;) :)

...a blurb...
gotta go right away, but i just remembered that i didn't say what i thought of the lates Pirates' movie with johhny depp - all i can say is johnny, johnny, what were you thinking when you sgreed to make that piece of crap?!? a convoluted story, bad acting, shitty one liners and keith richards - totally sober and without an english accent - what a HUGE disappointmet!!! i wanted my money back so badly, that i nearly went back to the cashier to demand my money back, then go to the concession stand, puke up my popcorn - again not so great - and say, this is how pissed i am that i paid all this money for this CRAPPY ass movie. but i managed to control myself and just left feeling cheated and pissed off. they never should have made any sequels to that movie - part 1 rocked - they should've left it at that, but hollywood's so damn hot to make trilogies now so that they can charge hundreds of dollars for the box set that they know people will buy with "never before seen footage". i wish i'd "never seen pirates 3 before" - i know i'll NEVER see it again. i disliked it so intensely that i plan on telling all of my enemies to go and see it, which they will cuz none of my enemies know they're my enemies - i'm that good! :)

it's my johnny's b-day today. so far, it's been quite a day. cole's notes version: i found out today that i MUST think of him only as a guy that i'm friends with and occasionally have amazing sex with, otherwise, he's going to destroy what's left of my sanity and i'll either end up back in the psych ward, or dead - i shit you not. i can't go into details as to why i now feel this way, but maybe i don't have to - all of you dear readers have likely read enough of my previous ljs to know about all the probs we've had. basically, i know i'm in love with him, he says he's in love with me, but as far as i'm concerned, he has yet to show it and until/unless he does, i can't think of him in any romantic/loving way. eg. i haven't seen him since last sat when i left his place at 5am and he hasn't made any effort to see me. even today, he told me he's wiped out - hasn't been sleeping much at night - and needs to sleep today, but that he'll call me if he wakes up feeling better so that we can hang. well, i'm not going to hold my breath until he calls, that's for damn sure. I'll forward my home phone to my cell and then i'm going out to karaoke at hawkeye's. if he wants to see/talk to me, he knows how to find me. i'm sick of throwing myself at him and making a goddamn fool of myself. i've done that enough for men and friends, i'm sure as hell not going to do it anymore. in other words, many people in my life: family, a lot of people i thought were friends and all of my lovers have destroyed 3/4 of my heart and today, johnny took care of the rest of it. i have officially declaed my heart dead. i'm still nice to people, especially the people who are already in my life, but i will no longer allow myself to have any kind of emotional attachments to new lovers or friends - i'm done, i quit!!! :(

to end this on a positive note: i've been offered a job to teach singing!!! needless to say, i'm pumped!!! it's a paying gig that starts any day now and i can't freakin wait! i don't care how much/little money i make. all i care about is the fact that i'm going to be making maoney doing what i love to do - that fuckin rocks!!! here are my plans for this weekend: go to karaoke tonight - see if johnny calls, come home, go online - telepersonals to play with men's heads for a while - have lots of phone sex while playing computer games :) then tomorrow meet with a musician who needs a female vocalist to help him with a recording project, then go to a private karaoke party that i've been invited to, then go watch my girlfriend julie and her band play, then go to karaoke on sun. more later, love to all. phoenix

Current Mood: crazy

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